When one lap isn't enough

I answered this question on my local parents of twins board today:

Has anyone had the experience of both children needing to be held first thing in the am and not tolerating mommy holding the other child at the same time? My children are 19 months, boy/girl. This morning we had a giant painful meltdown. And it's not only first thing in the am. It can happen at other times when they're tired. Any advice?

Our basic approach to this has been a simple, "There is always enough room on Mommy's (or Daddy's) lap for two babies." We repeat it like a mantra. If one insists on screaming, pushing, etc., we won't hold that one at all. If they both are screaming to be held separately, no one gets held. We make it clear that screaming and pushing get you nothing.

On the rare occasion that some solo comforting really seems to be called for, I'll give two minutes of snuggling first to one and then the other. They are used to my watch beeping for turns about other things, so they get it. In general, they prefer to share me than to have to spend two minutes not being able to be held at all.

It also helps if they know that they will get your lap to themselves at regular intervals, say while one of them is with a sitter or partner. When both my husband and I put the girls down together (which is almost every night), each girl is entitled to be held by themselves by one of us (on a rotating basis). Not everyone has the luxury of one adult per child at bedtime, but it's worth finding times in the week where they don't have to share you.

When I do hold them together, especially when I know it's not their preference, I whisper sweet things to each separately that the other can't really hear. It helps establish their own "territory," acknowledges that I get them as different people, and fosters a personal relationship with them as individuals.

Good luck! One Mom